Karl and Jasmine Stefanovic have said during a modest and modest ceremony in the Mexican desert, along with their neighbors, including of course the former foreign minister Julie Bishop and some Instagram chick.
It was your standard marriage. The kind that consisted of using Mexican marines with machine guns to patrol the shoreline – a threat to anyone approaching with arrest – as well as a monstrous science-fiction structure made of steel beams for which a technical team had to be assembled. You know, nothing special.
It is somewhere between the LED sphere and the armed naval officers where the celebrations have gone overboard. I can’t put it on my finger, but there is just something to hire armed foreign forces to do your marriage protection that screams OTT.
We always knew that this wedding would be a spectacle. An extravaganza, if you want. Even a circus, with that large shining bar-beam structure that became the tent under which this event would take place.
As with most life events, this shebang only really felt when an official hashtag was made. That’s when we knew it was getting serious. In the days prior to Saturday’s celebration, the #LetsGetFizzyKarl hashtag started decorating the social media messages from the couple’s friends and it only took two days to understand the pun.
There is nothing like a hashtag with a vague pun to really add a momentum to a special occasion. And the three-day affair was quickly overdrive.
Karl has always been more of a Rachel than a Ross and that’s why he chose Jennifer Aniston’s favorite vacation destination – The One & Only Palmilla – as the headquarters for the big day.
There were many benefits to going global and holding the event in Cabo – a lush playground for the rich and famous on the cliffs of the Baja Peninsula, where the desert meets the sea. But most of the time it was just really great that everyone finally had a legitimate excuse to wear head-to-toe linen. Being able to wear physical linen without feeling like an idiot is honesty the dream and Karl lived it. We have a lot of respect for that.
When the sun moved over Cabo on Saturday afternoon and Karl waited for his bride to walk down the aisle in the middle of the royal place, a nearby drama unfolded. A powerful message was sent: stop the boats.
On the high seas, the Mexican Marines fought fiercely against media in small boats. The salty waters of the Sea of Cortez threw journalists at their faces as they tried to figure out what the giant beach ball was for. As the war continued, the sun sank quickly behind the granite rocks of Land’s End. The ocean turned black and the sky became a shadow. Suddenly, thousands of LED lights on the futuristic orb went out in the dark. Terrified media on board the battered boats were screaming, so they were sure they would be abducted by Karl’s wedding venue.
Just a few meters away on the dry, along the coast and within the lush grounds of the resort, the host of Today was unaware of the unfolding drama. His fiance was his only focus.
“Holy shit! You are hot! “He roared after Jasmine – dressed in a custom-made mini dress – had walked to the front of the chapel by her father.
Celebrity guests such as Richard Wilkins and Sylvia Jeffreys and Grant Kenny watched while Julie Bishop was sitting with stone faces watching her fall into the door.
The pair was flanked by seven bridesmaids and seven groomsmen, which was beautiful but also impressive because most of us can’t even think of seven people we actually like.
Personal information appeared during the ceremony. Bridesmaid Sophie Pentland read a verse from a song by Van Morrison. Nice touch. In the same way, at my own wedding, I intend to tell my grandmother that she will do a reading of the Corinthians, but then change her script to the Nicki Minaj texts: “When he came to the club, he became blazin ‘/ He got piles on deck as if he were looking up. “
While weather-beaten media with scanty faces began to wash down on the coast along the coast, the happy couple and their nearly 200-strong wedding party on the beach descended from Palmilla — they ran to the glowing globe that would be their mothership for the evening. Karl and Jasmine toast their wedding with a drink from the specially imported Bundaberg Rum bar while local staff rolled their eyes that their fine tequila selection was replaced by a bogan drink.
It is around this time that a question emerged.
What about Cass?
Everyone was waiting to find out how Karl’s ex-wife spent the day in Australia. Days before, she was photographed as she chased Sydney. Her bold slogan tee said everything, so she didn’t have to. “NEVER” was the only word on the mother-of-three’s chest. Never before has a slogan tee hit so much. It said so much. But not really either.
Since the split two years ago, whenever Karl and Jasmine are passionate about doing something great, such as on vacation in LA or playing tennis on a weekday afternoon, Cass is always caught immediately, something like vacuuming the car. But there was no vacuuming today. The car could wait until tomorrow.
Instead, while Karl and Jasmine surrendered to the enlightened sphere, Cass went to Instagram to tell us she was kicking back with the frivolous and light-hearted 1985-page turner The Handmaid’s Tale.
Unfortunately she forgot to use the official hashtag: #LetsGetFizzyKarl.
Maybe she didn’t get the pun too.